


Who will enjoy tranquillity and who will suffer

by Corvicula1979



Series: Always in My Head 'Verse [2]
Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash, Religious Discussion, conversations over chess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 09:22:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3645084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corvicula1979/pseuds/Corvicula1979
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charles and Erik talk about religion, and atonement, and a little bit about identity.<br/>In other words, Yom Kippur happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who will enjoy tranquillity and who will suffer

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, a note/warning that some of the religious/philosophical views within could be offensive.
> 
> Logically, this fits in near the beginning of chapter 10 of "I felt your agony, let me feel your ecstasy," but I didn't think it fit the narrative flow, so I thought I'd have it stand alone as its own little ficlet.
> 
> So ... I've never been clear on the exact timeline of XMFC (the scene in Geneva is "April" and I assume the showdown in Cuba is supposed to be at the end of October as happened in our reality, but when exactly the various events in between happen is really unclear). Anyway, I decided that I'd have them coming to the Mansion early in October, which gives them several weeks there training. Seems plausible, yeah?

Date: October 7th, 1962 (10 Tishrei 5723)

 

            It was the evening of the day they'd arrived at the mansion, and Erik was outside. It was a remarkably pleasant evening, and he was leaning against the balustrade, watching a spectacular sunset when Charles joined him.

            “Lovely this evening,” Charles remarked companionably. Erik made a vague noise of agreement. “Are you coming in? Dinner's going to be ready in a few minutes.”

            Erik turned to face him. “Thanks for coming out to get me, but I won't be joining you tonight.” Charles didn't say anything out loud, or even articulate anything telepathically, but Erik could feel his curiosity bubbling. “I'm fasting.”

            To his credit, it didn’t take Charles very long to figure it out. “Right. Sorry, it's not something I was keeping track of, but it _is_ that time of year, isn't it?”

            Erik chuckled, because how else could he respond to that sentence? Oh, well, sarcasm wasn’t out of line. “Yes, it is. What was your first clue?”

            Charles smiled. “The leaves turning colour,” he replied, playing it deadpan. “I'm sorry not to be social, but I oughtn't to keep everyone else waiting while I'm out here chatting.” He was full of questions, but elected not to ask them. “Will I see you later on for a game, my friend?”

            “Of course.” He'd come to treasure their nightly routine more than ever. He enjoyed all their time together, but unlike the days spent on team-building with the youngsters and trading intelligence with the CIA agents, their evenings of chess and conversation were purely social, a time just for the two of them.

            “In the library, I think.”

            “Perfect,” Erik said. He’d seen the room on their tour of the house, and had noticed the chess table not far from the fireplace. Charles could set up his portable set in any room he liked, and some would have been just as cozy and inviting. But... “I've been itching all day to see what treasures you keep on those shelves,” he added with a small but heartfelt smile.

            Charles smiled back. “Well, I'll see you later, then,” he said, and patted his shoulder affectionately before turning to go back inside.

 

  

            Erik did not stay outside much longer. Once in the library, he spent some time simply exploring the extensive collection of books, and eventually picked one out to read. He set the chessboard up, then settled in one of the wing back chairs with his book to pass the time until Charles came up to join him.

 

            “Really, Erik? _Dickens_? Of all the things in the library you could be reading, you picked _Charles Dickens_?”

            Erik was surprised that he'd been absorbed enough in reading that he hadn't heard Charles come in. He chuckled at his friend's reaction. “I wanted something that I would have no regrets about putting down when you got here,” he said. “And it passes the time well enough.”

            “I suppose it does.” Charles was carrying a tray, which he set down on a side table. It held a fancy crystal decanter of what he assumed was whiskey, as well as ice, a pitcher of water, and two tumblers. “I assume you won't be drinking tonight, but I hope you don't mind if I do?”

            “I don't mind, so long as you pour me some water while you're at it.” He could have asked more politely, but teasing Charles was a favourite pastime.

            Charles did as requested after pouring his own drink, and then sat down in the chair opposite and handed him his glass. He began the game without further ado, and they played the first several moves in comfortable silence. There was something appealing about the physical quiet, and when Charles resumed their conversation, it was telepathically, not aloud. [I understand the traditional well-wish is for an easy fast, but I thought it would be callous to say so just before starting my own meal.]

            Erik laughed internally. [I appreciate the thought. Really, you don't need to worry about upsetting me. It's hardly the first time I've been fasting while in the company of those who aren't.]    The feeling coming from Charles of curiosity, of _questions_ , was even stronger than earlier, but he still held back. [You've got more simmering in there than just pleasantries. Whatever you mean to ask, Charles, just _out_ with it already.]

            [Well ... I've been in your head a fair deal ...]

            He laughed aloud. [Understatement of the year.]

            Charles smiled and continued. [And I have seen nothing that made me think you were still practising. So you caught me by surprise.]

            [I'm not. Not really.]

            [Then what is this all about?]

            Erik leaned back and took a long draught of water. This would be a fascinating conversation, and probably an intense one, he thought to himself, if they were on the topic of religion. Of the three controversial subjects to be avoided in polite society, they'd already had many frank discussions of politics, and now this. That would only leave ...

            Charles clearly had caught at least the end of that thought, as he grinned mischievously. [Or we could talk about that, if you'd prefer.]

            Hell, could _neither_ of them stop poking that tender spot? [Don't be a brat. You asked me a serious question, I meant to give you a serious answer.]

            Charles did his best to school his expression into something neutral. [Sorry.] - he wasn't, not really – [By all means, go ahead. I'll behave.]

            [Today ... It's the one thing I choose to observe. It's about atonement, and I have plenty to atone for. I've killed people, you know that. Mostly with good reason, but some were innocent casualties, in the wrong place at the wrong time. And even the worst of them, the ones I set out to kill ... I do what needs to be done, I don't let any qualms get in the way. It doesn't mean I like it. I'm not a monster ...]

            [No one is saying you are. Least of all me,] Charles interrupted, and briefly clasped his wrist in reassurance.

            [I feel like one sometimes. I do value life, just not above all other considerations. I regret every one of them.]

            [Even those who tortured you?]

            [Even them. Though perhaps less for themselves and more for what it does to me.]

            [I understand,] and to Erik's surprise, the emotional feedback he picked up showed he did, deeply. [But you can't get forgiveness from a dead man, and I don't think you're asking it from their families, so who do you seek forgiveness from? Do you still believe?]

            [No ...] then he added, quietly, “I don't know.” He took a deep breath. “I find it difficult to believe in a god who would allow so many millions to be slaughtered, and who would stand by and do nothing, especially when it's those He's called his chosen people. Either He does not exist, or He exists and let it happen unchecked, and He's a tyrannical asshole who doesn't deserve to be worshiped.”

            “It's a problem that has caused many to lose their faith, and most of them with less compelling and personal reasons than yours.”

            “What about you?”

            “I was baptized Catholic ...”

            “Not hard to guess, with a name like yours.”

            Charles smiled. “Yes, sometimes I rather wish they'd given me _anything_ else for a middle name. Anyway, I stopped believing sometime in late childhood, I think. I took First Communion, but by the time I would have been Confirmed, I no longer believed.”

            “Why not?”

            “The usual logical arguments for the non-existence of God. They do call it 'the age of reason' for a reason, after all.”

            He was pretty sure that he'd know if Charles lied to him, because of their mental link. What he'd said wasn't an untruth, but Erik suspected it wasn't the whole story. “And it just _happened_ to coincide with the time when your family life was becoming awful.”

            Charles' raised eyebrow was haughty, but his tone was thoughtful. [Perhaps that was a factor, but if so, it was not at the level of conscious thought.]

            [Sometimes, changes like that happen more for emotional reasons than logical ones.]

 

            There seemed no more to say on the matter of Charles' own lack of faith, and they played several minutes in silence, until Charles asked, “Would you like me to drive you to a synagogue tomorrow? I know there are a few scattered out here, and several down in New Rochelle ...”

            He interrupted Charles with a shake of his head. “It would be a sham for me to attend services, to make a show of faith I no longer have. It would insult my sisters and brothers there who still believe.” Charles smiled, and it seemed out of line with the seriousness of their conversation, but the emotions he caught were surprise and appreciation, not amusement. [What?] he asked.

            “That's the first time I've heard you call any group of humans your brothers since I've known you.”

            “I was Jewish before I knew I was a mutant, and ... that allegiance has been earned in blood and ash. It's not one I intend to give up.” He knew his friend's observation was innocent and his answer and his tone of voice were far sharper than it merited, but ...

            “I'm sorry, my friend. I meant no offence by it.”

            He dismissed it and tried to settle his metaphorical hackles. “No, it's alright. I know you didn't. It's a sore point, and I don't know how best to reconcile those two identities.” Gently, he took up a dropped thread of their conversation. “So. Thank you for your kind offer, but there is no need.”

            “So what _will_ you be doing, if you don't mind my asking?”

            “Whatever the rest of you are doing, I won't be taking part. My plan is to spend the day reflecting alone on my past misdeeds, meditating. Praying in my own way, I suppose. I don’t know that anything I do can wipe the slate clean. I don’t know who I’m speaking to if I don’t believe in God.”

            “Maybe what you’re speaking to is your own conscience?”

            “Or maybe it's my last desperate hope that something in me can be redeemed.”

 

_“On Rosh Hashanah will be inscribed and on Yom Kippur will be sealed - how many will pass from the earth and how many will be created; who will live and who will die; who will die at his predestined time and who before his time; who by water and who by fire, who by sword and who by beast, who by famine and who by thirst, who by upheaval and who by plague, who by strangling and who by stoning. Who will rest and who will wander, who will live in harmony and who will be harried, who will enjoy tranquility and who will suffer, who will be impoverished and who will be enriched, who will be degraded and who will be exalted. But Repentance, Prayer, and Charity annul the severe Decree."_

\- From _Unetanneh Tokef_ , a High Holy Day liturgical poem. This translation is from wikipedia's article about it. (<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unetanneh_Tokef>)


End file.
